So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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