I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
