You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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