he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
