yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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