I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
