So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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