Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
