i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
