his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
