Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
