stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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