Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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