anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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