i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
