Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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