She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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