2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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