I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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