I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How does one acquire holy water?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
