I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
