Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
