Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
