Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
