I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
