Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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