WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
