my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize