Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
