I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
