So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
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Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
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You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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