i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
