May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
