Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
