1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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