i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
