I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
