Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Randomize
