How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Randomize
