If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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