My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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