Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
