Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
