we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
