Pants 0. Shit 1.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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