I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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