Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
