at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
