My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
