my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
