first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
