Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
