That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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