3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
