Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
