i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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