you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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