I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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